First off, a warning: to those of you who hate random links, skip this entry. I’ve linked words without reason, mostly because I can. Yes, this is really, really annoying to read. Yes, I hate everyone who does this. But I’m doing it anyway; I’m in a quirky mood.
Has it ever occured to anyone how stupid the whole idea of vampires really is? I got thinking about this while taking a walk in the fresh air, because that’s just the sort of chearful subject to lift up ones heart on a lovely spring evening, and realized how utterly stupid the entire thing is. I mean, seriously: how stupid is an evil monster who can’t stand up to…sunlight? According to some authors, sunlamps will also do the trick. I guess I can see that it’s all symbolic, you know, evil hiding in the darkness and stuff, but that doesn’t make it any less stupid. And when you combine it with all the other crap that gets pinned on vampires, it’s really quite surprising they last for more than ten minutes! Things that can damage or destroy vampires include, but are not limited to:
- stakes
- crosses (crucifixes, whatever. Same thing. Accept, you know, crosses are more chearful, what with the no dead Jesus on the front, and all. But I guess if we’re talking about killing (destroying, if you *must*) vampires, that isn’t really much of a factor. Anyway, Don’t nitpick!)
- holy water
- sunlight
- silver
- garlic
- fire
Any monster that I can fight, all while spending less money than it would cost to buy guns and with objects found around the home, is a pretty crappy monster, in my opinion.
But as if that all isn’t enough, what about some of the other crap that comes with life as a vampire? You must drink blood. You can’t enter the home of someone else unless they invite you. I mean, come on! What good is it if I have to invite the vampire into the house in the first place? I guess that’s why they have the whole hypnotising thing going on; it at least gives them a fighting chance. But in everything I’ve read, vampire hypnotism depends on you looking into their eyes. I guess I’m okay, in that case. All they really get in the plus-side is super strength, immortality (well, assuming nobody stakes them), the previously mentioned hypnosis, the ability to create vampires to serve you who will eventually turn on you and destroy you anyway, sometimes the ability to turn into a bat and/or mist, and a sort of funky blood-drinking sexuality orgasmic pleasure tie in. I think we, as a society, should spend a lot more time worrying about wearwolves and zombies; werewolves are much harder to kill, and can become fierce killing machines whenever they feel like it. Zombies can’t really be destroyed, save cutting them up into small enough bits not to do any harm. If you’re a vampire, I just feel sorry for you.